Learning To Read

I'm a magazine addict. I think my number of subscriptions is at its lowest in ages, but I still can't get through a bookstore without picking up a magazine. Having recently subscribed to the New Yorker again after a long hiatus, I'm having to force myself to be economic about my magazine reading time. Some obsessive compulsive part of me makes me feel like I have to read the whole magazine, cover to cover, in order. Any magazine I pick up. The articles I'm dying to read acting as a reward for sludging through everything that comes before. So I'm having to force myself to start with the things that sound interesting. Today I allowed myself to jump straight to the New Yorker review of "I Hate Sarah Marshall", then to the Jonathan Franzen piece - skipping right over all the letters to the editor and NYC arts listings I've always read, or at least skimmed. For me this is as momentous an occasion as when I decided that I didn't have to read all the comic strips on the funnies page; that it was okay to just admit that Cathy is in no way funny and I could care less about the adventures of Brenda Starr and it is okay to just skip right on over to Boondocks or Dilbert or whatever passes for comic strips in these post Bloom County / Calvin and Hobbes days. Baby steps.

It's this same controlling sense of order that I caught myself in at Whole Foods today. I had selected a sandwich for lunch and put it in my basket. Then, perusing the sushi case, I decided I'd rather have some sashimi. Rather than put the sashimi in my basket right then, my brain told me I needed to walk back over the sandwich case, put the sandwich away, then come back to the sashimi case for my new selection. It wasn't forgetfulness - I didn't just forget to put the sashimi in my basket; it was some deeply ingrained directive.

ADD

I always thought ADD was just something they were overdiagnosing hyper kids with. I never considered that adults were diagnosed with it, or that I could have it. I can sit still for long periods...no problems there - just ask my couch, my TV, and my XBox. Sometime ago though an adult friend of mine was diagnosed, and as we talked about it, it became clear that she and I were wired very similarly and processed the world in very much the same way (something I never would have guessed, even after knowing her for over 10 years). She mentioned a book about it that she was reading and I kind of kept it all in the back of my mind, planning to read the book someday, but not in any hurry. Recently though I was visiting another friend who was also diagnosed and he loaned me the book ("Driven to Distraction") and I immediately began reading it and was amazed to discover what ADD really is, and that I identify strongly with almost every symptom.

ADD is not so much about physical hyperactivity (though it can be a part of it) as it is about an inability to focus. Anytime I'm doing something I'm very aware that there are a number of other things I could be doing and feel like I probably should be doing; I flit from task to task rarely finishing one or considering priorities; constantly searching for novelty - never wanting to do anything the way everyone else does it; struggles with gambling and other ways of self medicating; I was intelligent but couldn't apply myself in school. All characteristics of ADD. As I was reading the book I laughed to myself about the millions of half-finished copies of the book that are probably out there - and indeed I stopped reading a few weeks ago and have not been back to it yet.


While not all the symptoms are inherently bad, there are so many that I could certainly live without. I want to get diagnosed and explore treatment, so I saw my primary care physician for a referral and am now in "the system", with an appointment on Monday with a therapist for an intake evaluation. I have an HMO and feel like it's a machine I'm getting into. I'm glad it's not public health care, but it's definitely a system. I don't get to choose my therapist; I have to get referrals and am told where to go and who to see and I'm sure I'll have to meet certain criteria to continue being seen and having it covered by insurance.

I saw an ad today on the train for an ADHD study at UIC that is looking for participants. I thought about responding. I don't know if they are looking for people who have been diagnosed (I don't believe I necessarily have the "H", the hyperactivity) or if they would prefer people who haven't? The ad didn't promise any compensation, so I don't have a whole lot of impetus to pursue it and I bet my HMO therapist wouldn't appreciate it. I just thought it was strange to see that ad at exactly the time I'm trying to get diagnosed.